Should I send this?

Dear Mrs I-don’t-have-any-qualifications-in-real-birth,

You probably don’t remember me, I’m just one of the many women you abuse with your power in your job, from which I understand is mainly cutting open vulnerable, young first time mothers. Are you really qualified to play God? Have you any idea what you are doing to young Mothers who know no better than to trust someone they think is only in their job to care and ‘do no harm’? Would you like me to refresh your very poor memory?

My due date was 4^th December 2004. My baby had been breech from 33 weeks onwards. Mrs P attempted an ECV which failed as it was carried out ‘too late’ and he was ‘too big’.

I dreamt of giving birth naturally. You told me I had no choice in the matter, you’d had 2 caesareans and they are ‘not all that bad’ and I had to give birth via a caesarean because he was breech. On palpation you told us he was a ‘good size’ and he was ‘at least 9lb’ in weight.

I cried, I begged and I pleaded with you, I didn’t want it done. You and your team pressurised me into signing the consent forms but still I wanted to give birth. I wanted to at least try, but you didn’t even tell me I could have a TOL ‘Trial of labour’ did you? Why didn’t you inform me of ALL the options and risks? Who gave you this role to abuse and decide what was best for your patient? How do you sleep at night? Knowing you have given many women unnecessary caesareans? Do you have any conscious at all? Letting you bully, harass and assault me and my son is the worst ever decision I have made in my life of being a parent. 


Want to know the best decision I have ever made? Speaking up for my beliefs, rights and what I wanted to Mrs P in 2006 when I achieved my home VBAC. Just because you’ve had two caesareans it doesn’t mean they were necessary, quite frankly I don’t care, in fact I’d love to know who ever ripped you open did it without good reason or cause.

Do you really even know how the way you treated me has affected me? It wasn’t just you involved in this torment both my son and I faced 29^th November 2004. If only you’d of told me I could try a TOL, if only you’d done your job and informed me there was other ways, instead of using bullying tactics to get me to do what you wanted, even though it isn’t what I wanted. 


Us Mothers do get choices and rights you know, possibly you get little choice in India but this is the United Kingdom and it was your job to do best by your patient, and if you could see I desperately wanted to give birth, naturally you’d of helped me, not shunned me away in tears knowing I didn’t want surgery. ‘They don’t train doctors to deliver breech babies anymore’ is what you told me, it wasn’t your job to deliver my son, it was my job. One you said I couldn’t do. One Mrs P said I couldn’t do. You’ve left me with nothing but hurt where I should be celebrating a happy day. 


My son, a sweet, innocent baby didn’t deserve to be hurt either. Can you just take one step back and realise what your doing is wrong and it’s hurting others? I have never been one to allow the dust to settle but you hurt me so much I couldn’t even talk to my Husband about how you left me feeling. I have now, sadly left it too late to complain (I believe) but rest assured I will make a difference to Gloucestershire residents, past and present. If you hadn’t of abused me in such a displicable manor I may not of done real research for my 2^nd and so forth children, nor would I of taken up such a strong attitude to pregnancy, birthing and parenting and for that I think I should be thanking you for. 

Thank you for treating me and my son like a piece of meat, thank you for lying to us, thank you for abusing me and my son and thank you for not informing me of my rights regarding childbirth. You have made me the person I am today, a strong believer in natural pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and so forth. Although I still hurt I am fully aware you haven’t the first clue about your diplomatic oath you took ‘do no harm’ and I will strive to make others affected by the trauma of their ‘birth’ to speak up about it and I will, one day make sure everyone knows about you, about the others just like you and I won’t stop until my story is heard, in fact if you need a real refresher on your actions, check out my ‘birth’ story, it’s on The Birth Trauma Association’s website.

When I look at you, you are the perfect reason women need to hire independent midwives, doulas and I’d go as far as saying you’re the reason some women ‘free birth’.

So there, I hope you’re happy with the way you lie, abuse and assault your patients. I bet you cut women open daily and you love to feel their blood on your hands, knowing their caesarean wasn’t in any way, shape or form necessary but instead you feed off the ‘power’ you think you have, one day my dear, your world will come crashing down. Now I am older and stronger I will be making complaints, even though I am out of time, people need to be aware of you; people need to know how disgusting you really are. I will be there to watch your fall from Grace and I will be thanking the Lord for finally putting a stop to you.

Free Pregnancy and Free birth

As many of you will know, I've had 5 children now - all pregnancies were completely different and so were the births.

1) Elective caesarean, I was sadly uneducated and believed what I was told. (Breech and low fluids)
2) Successful Home birth after a 20 hour labour, no problems ever arose.
3) Successful home birth, 3 hour labour (slow labour 10 days), no problems arose with the labour and birth.
4) Emergency caesarean section with double, stuck transverse twin girls.

So what have I learnt?
That's easy, read and research every angle your pregnancy could go. Even if you don't think you'll have a breech baby, read about it anyway. Don't read and focus on the horror stories or you'll set yourself up to fail. Read the positive and success stories, picture yourself having this kind of birth but don't be blind to the risks, make sure your facts are factual and not just someones account of something happening.
Example: Woman X finds out her baby is breech, Woman Y says her baby was a breech and she HAD to have a caesarean so woman X will need a caesarean too.
Make sure your facts are from real websites and not here-say. Make sure you be-friend others like you, who have been through what you want, I.E with after I had James I be-friended a woman who shared so much in common with my first, she was hopeful of a home birth, she asked my input and advice and I gave it to her. Unfortunately her home birth wasn't successful.

Birth where you want to and where you feel comfortable and with whom you feel comfortable. If your ideal comfortable is where you have lots of medical experts on hand to cut you open, go for it.
However if you feel more comfortable without medical experts around, go for it.
If I have learnt something from all of my experiences, it's that 'professionals' only stress the Mother with their false facts and figures, they prey on the women for what ever reason.
My next pregnancy (if and when I am graced with this gift) will be an unsupervised free pregnancy and free birthing at home.

If I could change anything, what would I change?
I would change everything about my first baby, even though I didn't have the internet for information, friends and resources I would find a way to believe in my body, I would find a way to birth naturally. I would do everything differently from the midwife during the pregnancy to the birthing of my son. I would do it all so differently.
There is nothing I would change about my home births, they were both magical. There is nothing I could change with my last pregnancy, I did everything in my power to avoid a caesarean, after 2-3 days in labour we are still very lucky to be alive, they were in such a position and stuck, even the surgeon had problems withdrawing them from my abdomen. I did everything I could, and sadly it was what was meant to be. It doesn't mean I accept it, it doesn't mean I like the idea any more because as I came around from the operation I didn't want to breath, I wanted to die on the table, I didn't want to come back from this failure. Not again. I was kept an eye on for several hours, I stayed in recovery hooked up to oxygen and a pulse oximeter for good measure, I also understand that they ran a blood gas test, had 5 stab wounds on my left wrist when I woke up.
I take my hat off to women who lie awake while a surgeon cuts them open and drags their baby(s) from their abdomen, for me, it's merely an operation. It's 9 months of hard labour making and growing a baby for some doctor in a white coat to rip you open, pull you apart and drag your baby from within you. It's not ''birth''. I've had the privilege to give birth and a caesarean section is definitely NOT giving birth. You may think this is harsh words but it's the gods honest truth, I don't beat around the bush, never have done and I never will. I say things as I find them, whether that be what you want to hear or not, I will never dress things up to be something they are not.
You will never hear me say anything positive about a caesarean section, other than in the end it saved my babies lives. I feel so strongly about caesarean sections, I'd rather of died than live with the pain of the scar and the failure behind it - speaks volumes.

I know there are other women out there, who are like me - hate their caesarean sections, and on the reverse side there are some women out there perfectly happy with the caesarean section rate, Victoria Beckham for one.

The Parental Loss of Childbirth

I was reading an article earlier today, which highlighted the physical stress put on babies and Mothers during labour and childbirth. Noting all the stress points on the babies while being born and vice versa, the strain on the Mothers birthing their child.
For what ever reasons birth can be traumatic, terrifying and in worst cases leave Mothers suffering with post natal depression (PND) and Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

This article sadly didn't touch upon the emotional strains of a woman having to have a caesarean section (for what ever reason)

Some mothers take a caesarean section as the only way, while others make sure it's the only thing left to exhaust. I have been both of these scenarios!

A birth means everything to the family: This sentiment I feel is forgotten by medical staff in a hurry to deliver the babies in todays society. Whether they use the good old rule 'failure to progress' or indeed make up some other mumbo jumbo, their main priority is to get the baby out and in most cases than not, as quickly as possible. I've heard a story where a woman was asked to make up her mind (this was late at night), caesarean now or you'll have to wait until the morning, this is a woman VBAC'ing in a hospital in the UK.
She decided to wait it out, she wanted to try and birth as naturally as possible.
But - who are they to determine this woman's birth? Who are they to offer this unnecessary surgery when there was otherwise no complications, apart from being a previous caesarean mother.
Then when the morning came - without an examination they whisked her off to surgery for ''failing to progress'', how do they know? Did they examine her? No. Instead, it's the hurry to get the baby out.
Why do they do this?

With my first child I wasn't allowed to even go into labour for his breech malpresentation, and presenting with 'lack of fluids', In hindsight, they knew what they were doing, knew I didn't want it but pursued me anyway.
I was crying, in hysterics I did not want the caesarean done, yet they failed to tell me I had a choice, they failed to tell me I could try to deliver naturally, and they failed to provide me with accurate information about my choice of birthing.
The result? An elective caesarean section where they lied to me, assaulted me and my baby, then left me with horrible PTSD to which I still suffer today and so forth.

What people fail to mention is that for me (and I am sure a lot of other caesarean women), our thoughts, feelings and the emotional aftermath of a caesarean section. Not only are you faced with a horrible scar on your body, which in my case, I can not touch this area for feeling sick to my stomach, knowing they ripped me open and dragged my baby out, but you are also faced with birthdays for your child (ren), to ''celebrate'' their ''birth''.
What if you don't class a caesarean section as a 'birth'?
What if you are sickened at what happened?
What if you hate your own child for his first week or so of life?
Who looks after us? Who cares? Who decides to take that birth right away from us? Knife happy surgeons, that's who.

So, I'm wondering how many other parents feel such a great loss when it comes to the birth of their child (ren)?

The article I read also broached upon the chemicals people often go for with childbirth, induction drugs - because they are synthetic chemicals (as I call them synthetic crap) they are not natural, natural hormones after birth make you have a rush of love to your child, and when you have had a chemical hormone that interestingly blocks the bodies natural response to childbirth, so not only if you have an induction are you putting yourself at risk of uterine rupture and emergency caesarean sections, but you're also putting your bonding and breast feeding experiences at risk too.


Of course there are perhaps a lot of women who naturally are OK with their caesareans, they accept them, possibly don't know much about their options and accept they ''have'' to have them, and I will admit, a few are necessary but they are over-used, and it's these women who need to know there is a choice.
I have tried now for 6 years and more to accept my caesarean section, but I guess I'm not that kinda girl, I know it shouldn't of happened and I can never accept it.
I take my hat off to those women who can accept their caesarean section with little or no trauma attached, and those that see it as a birth of their baby, I just wish I could think like this.

Not everyone chooses to listen to me and my doula-like ramblings but I assure you this is something I feel passionately about, so much so I have to try and warn others about the mistakes they are about to make.
I have one too many friends now go for induction with out taking a blind bit of notice to my warnings and advice - and all have had emergency caesarean sections. I do try, but at the end of the day, if you're not listening hard enough to what I tell you, you will inevitably fall upon your own grace. You will only have yourself to answer to, it's not my body, not my baby and not my birth, I only ever want to save you from the hurt I feel about my caesarean section(s), I can not make you listen and those who repeatedly fail to acknowledge my wealth of information shall get no more.

I read and research still to this day about pregnancy and birth because I am interested in becoming a doula, perhaps even a midwife, Even though they are restricted by insurance and guidelines.
What will be, will be. I know I will make a difference to the people who can be bothered to take on board my advice.

The Mooncup: A few days on.. (same cycle)

Well when I wrote the first blog post about them, I was a little hasty and having problems with positioning. 
You definitely get used to it in time and you know what, most of the time now I do NOT know it is there.
It is most uncomfortable (for me) when it ''springs'' open inside. But this lasts for about a second each time - but I have learnt from an unofficial source that rotating it while you have put in your 'blood pot' helps it straighten up and get a good grip.


I have today received some information to pass onto my clients (obviously when I get them!) and in the mean time I will send them out to friends in need.. ;-)


My last blog post may of seemed gory but honestly, it's no worse than pulling out a bloody tampon or pulling down your knickers to a blood filled pad.


The size of the cup compared to a tampon may daunt you in the beginning, but believe me, it's nothing to be scared of. In the first instance it seems so big, but when you fold it it's no bigger than a penis being inserted ;-)


I recognize this may not be for everyone but for those who, like me are allergic to pads and tampons this is the way forward, or for those earth friendly type and even for those who bleed heavily like me, It holds in excess of 5ml each time - I have been barely making the 2.5ml line every 4 ish hours. 


On my last blog post I posted the following pro's about this mooncup.



The pros of using this is:
- No more caught out with no pads or tampons while out. 
- No more scratchy feeling when taking our tampons and you've had a reasonably dry day.
- It's eco-friendly, even if you buy the bio-degradable ones, there still has to be holes dug out to be filled with them.
- It's a one off cost, once you have the cup you need nothing else, where as if you use disposable pads and tampons you need to keep purchasing every month and run the risk of running out and being caught out while out etc.




There IS Con's of having this:
- It does take practise in the beginning.
- If you are out in public toilets, you will need to take a bottle of water in with you to rinse and wash it properly when you get home / or back where you are staying.




The other PRO of using this is that, tampons do NOT absorb clots. These catches the lot so you can closely monitor blood clots and how much blood you are losing per cycle.




As promised I will now properly demonstrate BOTH folds.

With this fold, you basically use your index finger and drag down a side of the cup, drag it into the middle.
I find this more comfortable for me (I have also heard a friend tell me this is most comfortable for her too).

Here is the C shape fold.
You fold in half and bring it round into a C shape (as pictured).
I found I couldn't get along with this fold.

My tips / advice for YOU: (if you get one):

1. Remember, practise makes perfect and it WILL take time
2. Don't be disheartened that you can not get it right, Many women struggle at first and this can last 3 periods for you to be entirely happy with positioning and removal.
3. When you get it right, it may feel like you have 'lost' it. Bear down (like childbirth pushing) until you can feel the end of the cup, several long pushes are more effective than one long push.
4.  Practise your pelvic floor muscles BEFORE you get it if you have not naturally birthed.
5.  Until you are happy with positioning it properly, wear a pad. If you leak this will be less embarrassing, however if you are leaking you have not properly positioned it, so a pad will help you gauge just how good you are at positioning.
6. Read the instructions that come with it &
7. If in doubt, ring / e-mail the helpline, I think they are open 24 hours a day.
8. Don't forget their website and Facebook page. 

If you have any questions to ask me, feel free & I hope this blog has helped :) 

Mooncup: My beginners story...

Well, I first noticed this product some time ago but only recently took the courage to purchase one, following watching ''Embarassing bodies'' the Channel 4 health documentary. 
The women featured on the tv show, were asked to document how much blood they were loosing and we were to see if their flow was normal or not.. One woman lost over 80ml and that is considered unsafe and due to medical illness (later turned out she had Endometrisis).
I have been having pains for Months now and presumed it was this, so wanted to monitor my flow as I know I am a heavy bleeder, always have been.


Yesterday, 16th May 2011 I made the purchase.
I couldn't wait to get home in the anticipation it was going to be straight forward and easy, how wrong was I?
I carefully read the instructions (ME - reading the instructions, well that's a first eh?) and I spent half an hour in the bathroom, putting it in and pulling it out and I must say, to begin with I did wonder 'Maybe this isn't for me then?' but I have gone with the flow (literally!) and I've had good and bad attempts.
At times it feels uncomfortable but that's because I haven't positioned it correctly..


Yesterdays attempts at positioning the cup was very beginners style.. I had the bottom of the cup protruding outside.. and it should be where is comfortable - but it wasn't comfortable there and needed to be higher up.

Today I have trimmed the stork off it and wore it uncomfortably until around 2:40pm then finally, just finally managed to get it right.
It worked it's way in and when I went to empty / clean it out at 7pm I had a real shock to NOT be able to find the bottom of the cup.. it had completely disappeared.
I remembered reading the instructions and knew that I had to 'bear down' and in all honesty, it almost felt like I was about to give birth again, LOL.
But as I beared down with it I felt it coming (she's crowning everyone, ready!?) and managed to grip the bottom of the cup to release the seal and continued to withdraw it from my body. 
It had a little less than 2.5 ml in it and I obviously emptied that down the toilet and washed it up.


How am I feeling now about it?
I think It's going to take some getting used to, but doesn't everything at first?
The pros of using this is:
- No more caught out with no pads or tampons while out. 
- No more scratchy feeling when taking our tampons and you've had a reasonably dry day.
- It's eco-friendly, even if you buy the bio-degradable ones, there still has to be holes dug out to be filled with them.
- It's a one off cost, once you have the cup you need nothing else, where as if you use disposable pads and tampons you need to keep purchasing every month and run the risk of running out and being caught out while out etc.

The stem is quite long, but if you trim it too short you won't be able to find it well when it's inserted (If you haven't got good muscles) but if you don't cut it enough you risk chaffing.

This is the first of two folds for insertion.
I currently find the other fold more useful for me (Will post a picture later..)

FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT LIKE THE SIGHT OF BLOOD.. DO NOT SCROLL DOWN PAST THIS POINT.

I have never had any leaking problems while taking it out.

I have had a few leakage problems but nothing major as the majority has been caught in the cup so I just need to make absolutely sure it's in correct and have been given advice on rotating it to ensure it's in there properly.

I am not too keen on the 'popping open' sensation that takes place once it's been inserted.

Again - do not look past here if you don't like blood. (What am I saying, I pass out at blood.. lol.. come on people.. get a grip, lol).

First successful time.. :)

I will continue it's use - I have been told it can take 3 periods to get completely right.

Being a Doula

I hope that this year, is my year. To become a Doula.
I have spoken to a lovely lady yesterday, who I then e-Mailed and all going well, Will be doing a ''taster'' course only 5 days after my Grampy is due to be laid to rest.


It's something I have wanted to do now for a few years and something I feel passionately about. 
I always wanted a career but never knew what in - Until I had children.


My path is clear, I know what I must do in order to achieve my dreams, and I will get there.


I want to make a difference, I want to educate women on their birth is their choice - Something I feel many 'professionals' forget.


I have received some fantastic support in my career choice already from Family and Friends.
When ever someone in pregnant, almost always they come to me for help and advice and I love that, There is so much more to pregnancy and birth than having scans and being told how you will deliver your child, it is something a Mother should think carefully about, and when the professionals tell her she needs a caesarean section, sometimes, if not all the time do they warn her of the risks involved, and if the worst comes to the worst and the Mother needs a caesarean, having a friendly face there with her may be a fantastic thing for her, for comforting reasons - especially if she doesn't have a partner or her partner is blood-shy!


Anyway, Blog post over - I have a busy evening ahead, I just wanted to let you all know that I will be doing this 15th May 2011. The day after Dean's Birthday.

One word - So many questions left unanswered!

The word: WHY?

I feel incredibly sad after watching a programme called 'Mums to be, Behaving badly' It's about a group of Mothers (It's a new series, BBC3 @ 23:45 Every Thursday evening)
Drinking, Smoking and even diet-related issues with Mothers.

I find it incredibly hard to sit here and listen to such atrocious language coming from 'Mothers' to be, What planet do they live on? I mean, seriously?!

One Mother is a smoker and a drinker, telling us how now she's pregnant she is supposed to just give up her life and give up her life.. Um.. Duh - that's what becoming a Mother is all about.

The worst part of this is: These women are having reasonably healthy children, None born with such dreadful conditions such as a CHD.
I feel angry, upset and angry some more.

It's a good job this is television because if I ever heard someone speak about the precious life inside them like that, I *WOULD* slap their arse into touch, as JK would say.

Having had now 5 miscarriages under my belt, I can safely say I would do *ANYTHING* to have a full term, healthy pregnancy and baby, and I am not going to be alone in this, there will be many other healthy couples out there, who don't drink, who don't smoke, who are doing everything by the book but simply can not get pregnant, or can not stop miscarrying.
And these women who obviously get pregnant at the drop of a hat just have no respect for that little dependant life inside them.

I am watching next weeks, as angry as it's made me because there is a woman on there who smokes a lot and says it's healthy for her baby.. - get that? Healthy for her baby, No love, your dillutional, In denial at the real damage your doing to your own flesh and blood.

Ugh - I would do anything for Meghan to live a happy, healthy, LONG life. Why do I feel like I am grieving for her restrictions on life? Having a seriously ill child makes you think differently, knowing the real fear of 'sudden cardiac arrest' and not having any warnings leading up to it to prepare, you live in worry and panic, There comes a point where you have to let your son/daughter go because they need to live their life, As Meghan starts nursery this September I am dreading it, I have to go into the Nursery, teach them how to use the SAT's monitor and write up contacts, letters and it's so in depth the only thing that's comforting is that knowing they are ALL first aid trained.
Can you imagine, packing off your child for a normal day at nursery, then to get the call saying something's happened to your daughter while there? You've missed her last few minutes / hours, You will live a life of regret, Knowing you shouldn't of sent her to nursery and that maybe if you'd been there you could of done something, perhaps you will hate the nursery for your life and blame them for her death?
Can you even imagine what I am feeling?
No, that's right - Your children are perfectly healthy, you will never know how jealous I am that I couldn't even make a baby girl properly, You will just never ever know.

Medical inductions - Why?

As a natural ''Mother of Earth'' type beliefs that I have, I don't think I am alone.

As Mothers, we want to do the best for our children in all cases, we love them, and we want to protect them.
However I am stunned that inductions are given to women with NO problems other than 'post dates'.

There is a fantastic group on Facebook and it's called An EDD is an expected due date - NOT expiration date!, If you're not already a member I suggest in joining it.
I have been a member now for some time.

Did you know that technically, at 40 weeks - you are only 38 weeks pregnant.

Now, imagine this.

A woman is classed as 38 weeks, and they caesarean section her as she's a previous caesarean mother - that baby is being put at risk, being born at only 36 weeks gestation.
Is this pure madness?

Shall I tell you what's mad?
Women willing to put not only their lives, but the lives of their unborns in danger by seeking help via medical inductions, pumping man-made chemical hormones through their body, to make their labour 10x worse than a natural spontaneous labour would be - therefore in almost all cases of induction the hospitals have to give you an epidural because your labour is greatly more painful than that of a natural labour.

Did you know?
Previous caesarean mothers can NOT be induced because these same hormones will greatly increase the chance of a uterine rupture - but this same statistic applies for ANY WOMAN having a medical induction, you could be on your first baby, have had no problems, go ''post dates'' and go for an induction but you are still at a greater risk of your uterus being split open by these horrible, nasty, man made chemicals YOU have told them to pump through your veins.

Remember: This important lesson:
YOU are the judge of your own body and this baby is relying on you to make sensible choices in regards both of your lives.
Just because the ''health professionals'' say you need an induction, need a caesarean, need to stay another night in hospital, need to be in hospital for the birth or what ever - it is only ever ADVICE, you do NOT under any circumstances need to listen to them.

As with taking out car insurance, research first.

Now, how about the research based hard evidence inductions are wrong, Haven't you heard most inductions end in foetal distress and therefore emergency caesarean sections.
It's common sense to most of us - but if you are considering an induction for any reason, just think - your baby is NOT ready, if your baby is NOT ready by his/her terms, then trying to force the baby out will end up in distress, and unless you welcome your uterus being cut open like a cow in a butchers shop, this is not the route for you.