When I look back upon my life, I have many many regrets.
The biggest for me (besides my choice in man 10 years ago) was the fact I chose him over my own family.
A year ago I was bed-bound and in a wheel chair permanently.
My sleeping pattern was so irratic I would sleep during the day.
I would stay awake with a friend, plotting, planning to one day make that escape.
To flee from domestic violence, to flee to safety for mine and my children's safety and best interests.
It took some telling and convincing that I was in a domestic violence relationship. Before the ring was on my finger I fell for a man who was 22 years older than me. A man who picked me up, aged only 17 as he was 39 years old. Now 10 years later I am 27, 28 this year whereas he is 50.
Various friends always told me I could 'do better' than him, I was worth more than him but I never believed them. This is the man who saved me from being homeless all those years ago, this is the man who has taken me in, loved me, made me feel worth something (to begin with).
At the end of the relationship I no longer regarded him as the man who saved me from my own demons, but a man who didn't want to be alone and old. A man who wanted to own me more than he wanted a woman on his arm.
He never ever showed public affection to me, not even holding hands. If I wanted to hold his hand I'd have to take it and even then it was more often than not just shrugged off. I was never allowed to kiss him in public and he never gave me a cuddle in public: he was ashamed to be seen with me.
But regardless, February 2004 we got engaged and then started trying for our first child. Things were still very happy. Early in the pregnancy he demanded I went to the GP's and he physically came in with me (as if he didn't trust me).
He then matter-of-factually told the doctor that I had Bi-Polar. Understandably the GP laughed in his face, asked upon what reasons he based this upon. He said that he'd looked into it (how, I do not know as we didn't have the internet back then..) and my moods were all over the place apparently. The GP kindly reminded this already 'Father' of 4 that my hormones were all over the place and it was perfectly normal.
I didn't know where to look, I was so embarrassed.
Time went on and I didn't realize it but he was wearing me down. I used to have confidence and over time it disappeared. He changed who I was to suit himself.
He told many lies, to think of a few would be the 'I never see my children because of you, its all YOUR fault' he has always had a vehicle, always had a license and always had the benefit money to put fuel money in. I don't see how I stopped him visiting his 4 other children but apparently I have.
Also, when he bit off his tooth nuzzling meat off the bone, he told said older children I apparently punched him and it fell out. The mind boggles at just how many other 'I am the victim' stories he's told.
A year ago I was stuck in bed, an asthmatic being forced to sleep on a moldy bed where I would have chest infections every week and it got to the point where I had to have DAILY nebulisers because my lungs couldn't deal with the cold, damp, mold I was being subject to all day every day.
My 5 children were forced to sharing a king size bed in their room, with their cot beds dismantled but hanging over the bed, looking as if it could fall at any minute. The bedroom window boxed up in case they went into the window and the neighbours reported it. Looking back on it, I SEE how bad it was / is - but when you are in these situations you are worn down and accept this as the normal.
It is NOT normal, far from it.
No matter what he said, I am beautiful and I do deserve better than him and I will get better than him.
No matter what he said, I am the victim, I didn't make him do anything.
No matter what he said, I am strong, I am a lovely person and I am worthy of someone loving me.
With the love and support of my nearest and dearest we made our escape a year ago, 1st March.
I do NOT regret a second of it, but what I will regret for the rest of my life is the bad patch I went through late last April and made that call. I called him. I wanted respite care. After a week of sickness, all the children had been throwing up, I had been doing load after load of washing to catch up with the bedding we were getting through. The school couldn't take in Meghan until they had researched and sought medical advice on her condition and it was all just getting on top of me.
I started each day in tears, not tears because I was sad but tears because I found it now really hard.I wasn't getting more than a few hours sleep each night and when I am tired I get emotional. I woke up having to drag myself out of bed and the whole daily routine started again. Washing, cooking, drying, tidying - I was tired. I was hurting. I felt I couldn't do it. I asked for help.
He agreed to 2 weeks respite care, returning them on Sunday 6th May and they never returned.
4 court hearings later and one bad social workers judgement = he keeps my girls permanently now.
Despite social work involvement, despite police records and statements, despite hospital admission forms - said ''social worker'' sees fit to leave my 3 young children with a man who has a history and who has even had his laptop seized for indecent images......... GOD FORBID anything happens to my girls (and it already is, I assure you of that much) I will be after her, I will make sure she pays for what she's put me and my girls through.
Who would say this man is fit to parent my girls? He is after all, 50 this year - can you imagine it when my girls are old enough and need teaching about their periods, a near 60 year old teaching them about womanly things, periods, pads, moon cups etc!?
My girls are now infested with headlice which he refuses to treat, they've had them now since well before Christmas and my children have NEVER caught head lice ever. Now, all of a sudden Twat Man can't be bothered to treat them. For the first few weeks of the infestation he was using ''lice repellant lotion'', the same lotion I no doubtadly bought from the 99p shop when I was still there.....
A repellant is just that - it repells them, it does not treat them!
Now, over Christmas he admitted to being pee'd off at having to buy a comb that cost £10 to treat them and remove eggs.
Second to last visit I told him they still have head lice (In fact, I tell him each time they come they still have the darn head lice) and on the last visit he said he'd cleared them the only the day before the visit, which is 2 weeks later than when I informed him they were still infested.
I am treating them but there is only so much I can do when he refuses to give a damn and treat them..
This man has enjoyed controlling me and diminishing me, to the extent I was no longer me. I was his toy, his play thing. Pick me up when he wanted ''that'' and drop me as soon as he was finished with me.
I was his slave, his robot, his possession.
''Why are you cooking that in the oven? It's cheaper to use the Microwave''
''You stupid fat bitch''
''Oh just give it here you stupid woman''
''Oh for fuck sake, are you fucking stupid or what?''
''What the fuck are you doing? Get out of my way''
''What have you done all day? Well, while you've been doing nothing I've been to work!''
Just a few of what was put my way.
This man WAS my dominator.
Dominating every single aspect of my life.
He stole and opened my post, even hid it from me.
He told me what to do and how to do it.
He insulted me on a daily basis.
I had to do things as he wanted them done.
I was living in HIS house, he refused to put me on the rent book, he made no secret of telling me that I knew where the door was if I didn't like it.
If I went to a friends he would lock me out, if I was allowed back in I would be asked 20 questions, where have you been? Who with? What did you do? Did you speak about me? It became easier to not to go out as often as I would of liked, but it did not stop me going out. I needed someone to vent to and although I tried to keep myself to myself during the last few months I had to open up to a few of my closest friends who helped me leave.
There are days when I wanted to leave and there were days when I felt far too ill to leave. It was a stupid thought to leave, this was a man who was looking after my children and ''looking after'' me too.
When I made that call to Womens Aid over a year ago now, it was hearing her tell me that I was in a highly abusive relationship that I finally started to believe it.
I felt a silly woman for making the call, I even started off the call 'I'm sorry to waste your time but I've been told to call you' and the person on the other end asked me to tell her what had been happening at 'home' and I told her as much as I could, plain faced and not even realizing to the full extent of how bad things had become, over the years.
At the end of the relationship I didn't remember who I was anymore. My own personality wore away many years ago and without me knowing about it, very scary that.
I changed to accept what was happening was normal. I did things that minimized the abuse I felt. I ignored it, pretended it was normal and I accepted it.
Now, a year away and my old personality is coming back, even if slowly, I am becoming a little more confident every now and again, I can't run before I walk I know that, but I am also not the same ILL person I was a year ago. I am on a very long road to recovery but I will get there.
I believe in myself again. I have a long bright, happy future ahead of me and nothing he says or does to me now can taint that for me.
He does not control me any more.
I am no longer his play thing, or his second best.
I can do what I want and I make myself happy, I am responsible for my own happiness.
Reading Jon Richardsons' book made me realize this a LOT.
Being single can be hard to not have companionship but also it makes you realize that, YOU are the ONLY ONE responsible for your OWN happiness. You have no one to answer to. No one to diminish your self worth and no one to abide by.
No one should have to live in fear for cooking the dinner the wrong way, or simply asking where her things have been moved to. No one should live in the fear when the abuser comes over your natural reaction is to move out of the way, or cower over.
I leave you with a true harsh reality checks as to how common Domestic Violence is:
Every 6 seconds a woman is assaulted in her own home.
25% of ALL reported crime is Domestic Violence.
112 women per year are killed by their abusive partners, or ex partners.
22 MEN are killed per year by their abusive partners, or ex partners.
There are ONLY 275 refuges within the UK for women fleeing domestic violence.
There are 100 animal refuges within the UK for animals.
There are only 3 refuges for men within the UK.
In the UK the police receive a complaint about Domestic Violence every 60 seconds.
