Flying high, 2 years on

On Thursday 21st April 2011 my Grampy Fred passed away at approx 10am.
He passed on to new pastures leaving the pain and suffering behind him.


My Grampy was and still is an amazing man, he's just showing his talent to the Angels in Heaven.
This world is so cruel at the hurt hasn't got easier to deal with. There are still days where it becomes too much to bare and I break down in tears.
My Grampy is my inspiration.
His love and his passion (besides his wife of over 50 years) was his Fergusson TE20 tractor.

I would like to share with you the finalized edition of my speech which was read at his funeral.

''I will always remember our Grampy with such fond memories, was the face behind the camcorder at the park, He was also the face behind the camcorder at Christmas

And during the last few years, he was the face behind the computer screen – Yes, you heard right, computer screen.  He always had time for us, all of us; he always wished us well and sent his love.

He loved keeping up with the times, I’ll have you know, he even had an e-bay account and was partial to purchasing when he saw a bargain!

He was a kind, caring person, he always thought about others before himself, his passions in life, was his old but temperamental Massey Fergusson tractor, he’d often spend many hours in the orchard, tinkering here, and tinkering there and quite often asking ‘what the devil’s wrong with her now then?’, he also loved his meccano, and loved to caravan. He and Nan used to be the marshals at the caravan site in Fairford when the RAF was on, I will always remember Grampy showing us how the flag went up – we helped and watched as we raised the flag up for the rally.

He’d greet newcomers on to the site, asking if there was anything he could do, he would – and for those who had been a few times, he’d have a good natter before directing them to which pitch were available!

He loved many things in life, but what always came first? Family, that was his only real priority, if we had any problems or just a general chat – who would we ring? Our Grampy of course, he was always full of help, advice, love and support... I’ll always remember when we bought our first caravan, trying to carry on the Minchin trait of caravanning, we bought a swift. I told Grampy and he shook his head, ‘Oh no, did you?’ Then I said ‘Did any of yours leak?’ He said ‘Yes dear, all of them’ oops I should of spoken to Grampy first!

Today, we are saying goodbye to the most kindest, loving man who brought us all many happy memories and although, sadly Grampy has passed away – those memories shall remain, All those happy times and that’s how we should remember him by – He will always live on in each of our hearts, He is already missed dearly and forever will be, he made such an impact on everyone’s life and he is irreplaceable.

These past few years have been hard on Grampy, and nearly as hard for us to watch someone we love and care about so much to go through such gruelling treatments – and at one point he was given only 48 hours to live, and he came through that, he gave us a few more years with him but it cost him dearly with his health, I know that today Grampy is free from the pain and suffering that his life had become and now he’s reunited with Nan Ruby.

If you are here today Grampy, I love you so very much, I am already missing you and will always remember and cherish these loving, warm memories of you.''

Grampy was a huge fan of the Fergusson tractors, I see that obsession in myself with Peugeot.

He completely restored his tractor and did a mighty fine job of it too, so proud of his work and his tractor he took it to local shows to show it off. 

Missing you, more than words can ever explain.

I now want to share with you his favourite poem.

Smiling is infectious
You catch it like the flu
When someone smiled at me today
I started smiling too
I walked around the corner
And someone saw me grin
When he smiled I realised
I had passed it on to him
I thought about the smile
And then realised its worth
A single smile like mine
Could travel round the earth
So if you feel a smile begin
Don't leave it undetected
Start an epidemic
And get the world infected.

It sums up my Grampy perfectly.
His tag line, no matter the day, no matter the pain when asked if he was ok was ''Mustn't grumble''
The quiet little village where Grampy was born and lived isn't the same without his presence, he had such an impact on the community, everyone misses him.

I made Dad and I stickers for our touring caravans, in Memory of Nan and Gramp.
Unfortunately with the marriage separation I no longer have my touring caravan and the sticker has still not been returned either.
However, I may re-make this as a littler sticker for Miss Pug, with different wording obviously.

If tears could make a staircase, And heartaches make a lane, We'd walk the path to heaven And bring you home again. ♥ xxxx

Nearly - a year ago.

When I look back upon my life, I have many many regrets.
The biggest for me (besides my choice in man 10 years ago) was the fact I chose him over my own family.
A year ago I was bed-bound and in a wheel chair permanently.
My sleeping pattern was so irratic I would sleep during the day. 
I would stay awake with a friend, plotting, planning to one day make that escape.
To flee from domestic violence, to flee to safety for mine and my children's safety and best interests.

It took some telling and convincing that I was in a domestic violence relationship. Before the ring was on my finger I fell for a man who was 22 years older than me. A man who picked me up, aged only 17 as he was 39 years old. Now 10 years later I am 27, 28 this year whereas he is 50.
Various friends always told me I could 'do better' than him, I was worth more than him but I never believed them. This is the man who saved me from being homeless all those years ago, this is the man who has taken me in, loved me, made me feel worth something (to begin with).
At the end of the relationship I no longer regarded him as the man who saved me from my own demons, but a man who didn't want to be alone and old. A man who wanted to own me more than he wanted a woman on his arm.
He never ever showed public affection to me, not even holding hands. If I wanted to hold his hand I'd have to take it and even then it was more often than not just shrugged off. I was never allowed to kiss him in public and he never gave me a cuddle in public: he was ashamed to be seen with me.

But regardless, February 2004 we got engaged and then started trying for our first child. Things were still very happy. Early in the pregnancy he demanded I went to the GP's and he physically came in with me (as if he didn't trust me).
He then matter-of-factually told the doctor that I had Bi-Polar. Understandably the GP laughed in his face, asked upon what reasons he based this upon. He said that he'd looked into it (how, I do not know as we didn't have the internet back then..) and my moods were all over the place apparently. The GP kindly reminded this already 'Father' of 4 that my hormones were all over the place and it was perfectly normal.
I didn't know where to look, I was so embarrassed.

Time went on and I didn't realize it but he was wearing me down. I used to have confidence and over time it disappeared. He changed who I was to suit himself.
He told many lies, to think of a few would be the 'I never see my children because of you, its all YOUR fault' he has always had a vehicle, always had a license and always had the benefit money to put fuel money in. I don't see how I stopped him visiting his 4 other children but apparently I have.
Also, when he bit off his tooth nuzzling meat off the bone, he told said older children I apparently punched him and it fell out. The mind boggles at just how many other 'I am the victim' stories he's told.
A year ago I was stuck in bed, an asthmatic being forced to sleep on a moldy bed where I would have chest infections every week and it got to the point where I had to have DAILY nebulisers because my lungs couldn't deal with the cold, damp, mold I was being subject to all day every day.
My 5 children were forced to sharing a king size bed in their room, with their cot beds dismantled but hanging over the bed, looking as if it could fall at any minute. The bedroom window boxed up in case they went into the window and the neighbours reported it. Looking back on it, I SEE how bad it was / is - but when you are in these situations you are worn down and accept this as the normal.

It is NOT normal, far from it.
No matter what he said, I am beautiful and I do deserve better than him and I will get better than him.
No matter what he said, I am the victim, I didn't make him do anything.
No matter what he said, I am strong, I am a lovely person and I am worthy of someone loving me.

With the love and support of my nearest and dearest we made our escape a year ago, 1st March.
I do NOT regret a second of it, but what I will regret for the rest of my life is the bad patch I went through late last April and made that call. I called him. I wanted respite care. After a week of sickness, all the children had been throwing up, I had been doing load after load of washing to catch up with the bedding we were getting through. The school couldn't take in Meghan until they had researched and sought medical advice on her condition and it was all just getting on top of me.
I started each day in tears, not tears because I was sad but tears because I found it now really hard.I wasn't getting more than a few hours sleep each night and when I am tired I get emotional. I woke up having to drag myself out of bed and the whole daily routine started again. Washing, cooking, drying, tidying - I was tired. I was hurting. I felt I couldn't do it. I asked for help.

He agreed to 2 weeks respite care, returning them on Sunday 6th May and they never returned.
4 court hearings later and one bad social workers judgement = he keeps my girls permanently now.
Despite social work involvement, despite police records and statements, despite hospital admission forms - said ''social worker'' sees fit to leave my 3 young children with a man who has a history and who has even had his laptop seized for indecent images......... GOD FORBID anything happens to my girls (and it already is, I assure you of that much) I will be after her, I will make sure she pays for what she's put me and my girls through.
Who would say this man is fit to parent my girls? He is after all, 50 this year - can you imagine it when my girls are old enough and need teaching about their periods, a near 60 year old teaching them about womanly things, periods, pads, moon cups etc!?

My girls are now infested with headlice which he refuses to treat, they've had them now since well before Christmas and my children have NEVER caught head lice ever. Now, all of a sudden Twat Man can't be bothered to treat them. For the first few weeks of the infestation he was using ''lice repellant lotion'', the same lotion I no doubtadly bought from the 99p shop when I was still there.....
A repellant is just that - it repells them, it does not treat them!
Now, over Christmas he admitted to being pee'd off at having to buy a comb that cost £10 to treat them and remove eggs.
Second to last visit I told him they still have head lice (In fact, I tell him each time they come they still have the darn head lice) and on the last visit he said he'd cleared them the only the day before the visit, which is 2 weeks later than when I informed him they were still infested.
I am treating them but there is only so much I can do when he refuses to give a damn and treat them..

This man has enjoyed controlling me and diminishing me, to the extent I was no longer me. I was his toy, his play thing. Pick me up when he wanted ''that'' and drop me as soon as he was finished with me.
I was his slave, his robot, his possession.

''Why are you cooking that in the oven? It's cheaper to use the Microwave''
''You stupid fat bitch''
''Oh just give it here you stupid woman''
''Oh for fuck sake, are you fucking stupid or what?''
''What the fuck are you doing? Get out of my way''
''What have you done all day? Well, while you've been doing nothing I've been to work!''


Just a few of what was put my way.

This man WAS my dominator.
Dominating every single aspect of my life.

He stole and opened my post, even hid it from me.
He told me what to do and how to do it.
He insulted me on a daily basis.
I had to do things as he wanted them done.
I was living in HIS house, he refused to put me on the rent book, he made no secret of telling me that I knew where the door was if I didn't like it.
If I went to a friends he would lock me out, if I was allowed back in I would be asked 20 questions, where have you been? Who with? What did you do? Did you speak about me? It became easier to not to go out as often as I would of liked, but it did not stop me going out. I needed someone to vent to and although I tried to keep myself to myself during the last few months I had to open up to a few of my closest friends who helped me leave.

There are days when I wanted to leave and there were days when I felt far too ill to leave. It was a stupid thought to leave, this was a man who was looking after my children and ''looking after'' me too.

When I made that call to Womens Aid over a year ago now, it was hearing her tell me that I was in a highly abusive relationship that I finally started to believe it.
I felt a silly woman for making the call, I even started off the call 'I'm sorry to waste your time but I've been told to call you' and the person on the other end asked me to tell her what had been happening at 'home' and I told her as much as I could, plain faced and not even realizing to the full extent of how bad things had become, over the years.

At the end of the relationship I didn't remember who I was anymore. My own personality wore away many years ago and without me knowing about it, very scary that.
I changed to accept what was happening was normal. I did things that minimized the abuse I felt. I ignored it, pretended it was normal and I accepted it.


Now, a year away and my old personality is coming back, even if slowly, I am becoming a little more confident every now and again, I can't run before I walk I know that, but I am also not the same ILL person I was a year ago. I am on a very long road to recovery but I will get there.
I believe in myself again. I have a long bright, happy future ahead of me and nothing he says or does to me now can taint that for me.
He does not control me any more.
I am no longer his play thing, or his second best.

I can do what I want and I make myself happy, I am responsible for my own happiness.
Reading Jon Richardsons' book made me realize this a LOT.
Being single can be hard to not have companionship but also it makes you realize that, YOU are the ONLY ONE responsible for your OWN happiness. You have no one to answer to. No one to diminish your self worth and no one to abide by.

No one should have to live in fear for cooking the dinner the wrong way, or simply asking where her things have been moved to. No one should live in the fear when the abuser comes over your natural reaction is to move out of the way, or cower over.

I leave you with a true harsh reality checks as to how common Domestic Violence is:

Every 6 seconds a woman is assaulted in her own home.

25% of ALL reported crime is Domestic Violence.

112 women per year are killed by their abusive partners, or ex partners.

22 MEN are killed per year by their abusive partners, or ex partners.

There are ONLY 275 refuges within the UK for women fleeing domestic violence.
There are 100 animal refuges within the UK for animals.
There are only 3 refuges for men within the UK.

In the UK the police receive a complaint about Domestic Violence every 60 seconds.

The Wedding Dress Was Returned

As title really.
The wedding dress has been returned.

I am still undecided what to do with it.

Sell it?
Burn it?
Throw it?
Charity shop it?

I like the sound of burning it to be fair, it will feel almost like I am sending him to hell.
Burning the memories that haunt me of today and rob me of my past.

Answers on a post card if you have any other solutions (P.s don't want to re-use the material either..)

''Nursing the Nation''

Okay, so not your typical OBEM blog here.
This was, again a real life filming following nurses as they went around their rounds, whether it be checking the elderly patients or the midwife who delivered a baby at home.

For those who missed it, the pages' status earlier today was as follows

''Nursing the Nation last night...
Mother had a beautiful home water birth...
Midwife goes back the day after to check the baby.
Mum tells camera "there seems to be a lot more trust when the midwives are in your home"

Says it all.... I'm NOT saying hospital births are wrong what so ever because sometimes it is the best situation but what I am saying is; in hospital they can't be trusted to leave unnecessary intervention alone!''

Basically; as it says. What a potent message in what that Mother said. 'There seems to be a lot more trust when the midwives are in your home''

I want to re-state the fact I am not saying hospital births are wrong because even I know some are medically necessary but what I am saying is that this Mother clearly knew, should you be in hospital you can not trust them to leave out the unnecessary interventions.
I am pro-choice which means I can at best give you advice, research and even statistics on the safest way to deliver your baby but I believe it is your decision. If you don't take my advice and research into consideration that's your own fall out.

The other problem is that women now think it's now the normal to go into hospital to have your baby.
Anyone wanting to learn the traditional roles of the Midwives and birth REALLY needs to watch 'Call the Midwife' - It is, at the moment my favourite program to watch, not because of the Mothers giving birth, but a time when Midwives were in charge of the birth. A time before doctors were in charge. A time before Doctors made some thing so natural as giving birth and made it into a medical procedure. Something that requires hospital admission (not the case!) something they NEED to control. Doppler here, doppler there, ultrasound here, ultrasound there, blood tests here, blood tests there, inductions here, inductions there etc-. Birth is now regarded as a medical procedure and for that reason and that reason alone, women have babies in hospital.

As I have said for many many reasons one may be admitted, but for a healthy woman, healthy pregnancy there is no need why they should be in hospital. Everyone keeps whinging the NHS are struggling, they are closing Maternity Wards but the fact of the matter is, if women avoided unnecessary intervention and trusted their bodies more and gave birth at home, in a safe, clean, familiar surrounding it would free up the beds for those who need it, instead of risking a prolapse delivery in a waiting room, or a healthy woman healthy baby being born in the foot well of a car just off the road in the middle of no where (perhaps somewhere that doesn't have a signal!)

And yes, staff shortage will account for them having to cut back on home births which only contribute the problems as said above.

Now, touching upon the 'Doctors need to be in control'' comment earlier - anyone think this isn't true? Anyone? Doctors are the ones who tell you that you're baby is over due (don't get me started on that can of worms... seriously - please don't) and you will need to be induced. You'd ask about just a stretch and sweep but they would be insistent. If the baby is not out by **/** you will be admitted and started off. NOT ONCE do they then tell you that your risking rupturing your uterous - more than a VBAC woman would be. Yet when you are a woman going to attempt a VBAC they WILL tell you the risks until they are blue in the face and even then some more because they do NOT want you to vbac. THEY have to be in control.

I stood up to my bully obstetrician in 2006 now and I do not regret a single minute of it. However, the obstetrician who dealt with the baby I had in 2004 I wish I could see her again, tell her to the full extent she has damaged me but also inform her it's because of her lack of care, understanding and compassion she has made me this empowered woman I am today.

I WILL inform ALL Mothers they have the choices they want. And as much as she put me through hell I have had some brilliant experiences afterwards because of how badly she and her team treated me in a Gloucestershire trust hospital. I am the woman so shocked at what happened I couldn't talk about it to ANYONE for over a year after it happened, I knew that what had happened was wrong but I couldn't face up to it. I am the woman who found out her baby was born in 2004 had to be resuscitated and came out blue and floppy and despite signed paper work they injected him with Vitamin K. I am the woman who was told her baby would be born dead and IF she survived she'd need a hysterectomy in 2006 purely for wanting a home VBAC. And I am the woman who fought for a twin home birth despite the social services wanting me certify me as not mentally stable to make that decision.

A woman can and WILL birth where SHE wants and in my views, she will always labour and birth easier in a setting she is familiar with: home for instance.

It makes sense:


Scenario 1: Mother in hospital is strapped down to a machine with trollies of instruments around, surgical gloves, surgical equipment, her legs are in stirrups and she is in a medical environment about to do one of the most natural things a woman can do.

Scenario 2: Mother at home, comfortable on her sofa, leaning over the back of the sofa, while she's there she is able to see the framed family portrait on the wall. She's able to use her own clean toilet, she's able to wonder around naked, she's able to light candles without health and safety warnings and above all else, when the midwife is there she can not simply leave the room to check on other patients.

**NOTE** Whilst scenario 1 is a very medical out come and I am well aware of the more birth friendly suites many hospitals are bringing in. However - these special birthing suites / rooms are usually booked and even then there is only usually ONE per hospital. So more often than not, Mother will be accompanied by a very medical environment.

Is it right? Is it wrong? You decide.

I have for many many years had the saying

''My body, My Baby, My decision'' so it's time I said


''Your body, Your baby, your decision''

But please: let's try bring birth home. I would love to be able to witness the moment this day happens in the future but I fear it now never will because doctors have taken over, they control you - they call the shots.
Sad, very sad but also very very true.

Over & out, sleep tight :)

OBEM is back on......... (new series)

It's new series started Wednesday 2nd January 2013, Channel 4 (HD) @ 9pm.

Okay, so I don't ever hide the fact this is my least favorite Maternal / Labour program to watch, and beyond my own self disbelief this program started out well today. A porter brought in a trolly full of new equipment (only to one room I believe)
Although the midwives, consultants & anesthetists are responsible for a few things, I think some of it is actually down to the parents / birth partners too.

Take couple 1, They were in hospital and the mother questioned SROM. Subsequently an invassive vaginal exam took place to actually determine that no, her membranes have not ruptured.
The Mother then returned later with her Mother and was 3-4cm and in 'active labour' only this time it was ''too much distress'' for her and she requested a repeat caesarean. (Pregnancy before ended in a ''stuck'' baby and therefore apparently, she too spent 3 days in labour [like myself when I had my twin girls in 2010] and she had a caesarean too).
Whilst I condone having a stuck baby needs a caesarean, I do not condone the hospital just giving her a repeat because she requested it.
At that point it was the Midwife / Consultant / Anesthetists job to re-inform this poorly educated woman into all the risks associated with another caesarean, Ok, I admit this woman *possibly* was informed with her first caesarean but did they inform her this time of all the risks, not only to her baby but to her as well? Did they inform her that in their books after 2 caesareans it's then ''hospital policy'' and ''procedure'' to not even try a TOL with her third baby - IF she were to have another? Did they inform her that despite their best efforts her baby could appear to have been slashed in the face? (He presented extremely low in VE) And did they also warn her that it was NOT necessary, she and her baby were in a very low risk labour and birth and that having unnecessary surgery may result in extensive bleeding that may not be stopped unless she's given many blood transfusions and a complete hysterectomy? No - I doubt they did.
Father turned up after the event and missed the caesarean delivery of his son - I bet he's really disheartened to miss an operation because his girlfriend was too scared to try naturally - and that's sadly what this boils down to. Poorly educated and perhaps scared to try to deliver naturally. Had that mother been armed with all the research, information, facts and figures about a VBAC vs 2nd elective caesarean she would no doubtfully chose to VBAC instead of endangering her own and her babies life. Anyway - that story - enough.
*Edit* Having just watched the end of that film with these two; it's clear another baby (and caesarean) are on the cards; Whilst I don't condone any caesarean and even though a VBA2C is possible I know that's definitely not what she wants - Luck to this family, Luck that she educates herself to make a fully informed decision next time.


Let's move on to Family #2. Both have children with other partners now have decided for one of their own. Perfect little, complete family. However this poor woman has been subject to what she described as 'weekly ultrasounds and very regular speculum exams' I am sure I don't speak alone when I say ''that poor baby''. They sadly have not gone into too much detail about why the above was apparently necessary but I suspect; that's because they knew I'd be watching, LOL. Anyway she had a previous false alarm before filming. She came in with pains and also suspected to have suffered a SROM. Howver, she then had her 2nd false alarm. Although disappointed that there was ''no baby today'' they went home.
They later returned with another suspected SROM and it was confirmed that it had ruptured but also her cervix was not in a labouring state. Jokingly the Father then said 'Yeah but you're not sending her home, ha ha' and the Midwife said 'Well actually.......... ' and they would have to go home again and wait for active labour to start. Now I am not sure how many deliveries this woman has had before and how quickly labour could occur, be it at home, motorway or hospital waiting room. But nothing condones the Fathers then behaviour. Shouting, swearing obscene language, just because they would have to go home again - it makes no sense, as he's said that - someone somewhere in this Country has had their baby deliver stillborn, someone somewhere has lost someone special to them and someone's world has just torn apart now THEY have the right to be angry - this Father does not. So what he has to go home, a lot of lazy ass men would prefer to go home, feet up, watch the tv and control the remote while their woman begins active labour, rather than being a 'bed-hogger' in a maternity ward where nothing, absolutely nothing is medically wrong with his wife!


Family #3 come in and get put into an ''active birth suite'' Mum looks alternative if I do say so myself, wearing a scarf around her neck, the way she is holding herself and the way she gets shown into this room and looks at the rag she can hold onto and the comments she make - this is a woman who is taking charge, I already like her. The way she went into her suite, and looked around and made it her room, instead of slumping on the bed ready for a VE, not giving a toss what sort of medically unnecessary equipment the room is filled with. This woman went in and made sure it had all what she wanted; not what the hospital team wanted. Her midwife has said (not in so many words) that she supports active birth and when she has children of her own; she too will have an active birth. (YAY, I like Midwife ''L'') I don't know why but there is something about this Mother that I see in myself. During the home interview she has a radiant sunshine on her wall and she has admitted that with her first she was ''terrified'' because of the horror stories she'd heard. She said she really regrets admitting it was too much and having a really strong painkiller (she hasn't said what, but I presume pethidine). She's hoping this time it's as ''natural as possible and definitely doesn't want any drugs cos I think when you start adding things in there, your bodies saying ah this is confusing'' I have fallen in love with this woman, she is everything I am, she stands for everything I work for. The Midwife 'L' then clarifies with Mother that she wants to be left to her own devices and L say's that's fine., I'm only a buzz away - blah blah. Mother's now in the room alone and doing pregnancy Yoga and she is moving with Labour, not labour moving her. She's laughing and joking and enjoying the experience.





The midwife has returned to do a doppler check, Mum breathes and chants / hums through out it and the midwife L soon clears off again, lol.
Her labour has now progressed and her 'active labour' room is filled with not only birthing balls, rag to hold onto, birthing chairs but also colour changing lights, air bubbles floating up through tiny displays that look lovely. She has such lovely long hair, all the way down her back, it looks so shiny, so healthy. Gorgeous. Father has asked her if she wants Gas and Air - she's told him to stop putting negative stuff in her head. (Now this is a real woman who knows what she wants, I still love this woman, the way she is dealing with this labour and birth - more women need to be like her).
She's now leaning into a beanbag, really groaning, possibly going into transition and Father asks 'Do you want me to call the midwife?' She agreed, she must know it's getting close now. He goes to the electronic pad, asks Mother which button they had to press (even I remember from earlier on in the program it was RED) shouting at the TV won't make him press it, I know this but yet I still shout ''RED'' - Why am I shouting? She isn't in danger, lol. Anyway; he's obviously picked up the wrong keypad and all the colour changing features in the room are going through different cycles - oblivious to Mother as she's face into a bean bag for support. It's one of those moments you shouldn't really laugh but you can't help but laugh at the doppy dad's misfortune by picking up the wrong keypad, hehe. He then has to leave the room to find midwife L. Returns to the room after a very short look for the Midwife. He's still clinging onto the light changing remote while being a bit, clueless. He's found the midwife, not midwife L. This midwife walked into the room, while looking concerned for the Mother who is now most definitely in transition and about to deliver she presses the buttons Dad's missed - without telling and informing him, even a very quick and loud ''here they are'' would of been suffice - maybe this midwife now sees this as an emergency. However Midwife L looks at the screen and runs towards the room. There is somewhat panic when this button is pressed. no sooner is Midwife L in the room she's on the floor, looking and seeing dark hair emerging. This woman is about to deliver. Midwife L is comforting this Mother and with a long, hard push and groan her baby is delivered, absolutely perfectly. Baby has come out a little on the quiet side but this is nothing a quick back rub couldn't fix. I am guessing as midwife L commented on the cord pulsating and still ''giving blood'' that this would of been a different story all together if Mother was on the bed, delivered, cord cut instantly - this well educated Mother has avoided a lazy birth, on a bed and has ultimately, avoided her baby needing resuscitation. She has delivered a beutiful baby girl who weighed 8lb 1oz. Midwife L has done all she needs to do and is heading out the room to give them ''alone time'' - time to bond in other words. She says if they need anything, buzz. Dad's up - he says, ''which one is it? I was pressing this one and changing the lights'' - everyone giggles.
This woman made a birth plan and thankfully; everything went the way it should of.

Family #2 return to be induced.
I knew that with so much good in this program ~ Family #2 there would be the drama of an inducement. **Big, deep breaths - I say this to myself, No screaming now, Uh uh - it's just a tv you can not kick her ass through your TV**
I wonder if this Father will kick off when she's being wheeled off to theatre? Ok - let's carry on watching IF I DARE to.
Being a daring woman I press play once more. Another VE is done and her waters are still there. Hey hey hey - hang on one tiny second, earlier on, she was admitted, VE done and confirmed waters had gone. This Mother then nodded 'back waters had gone then?' and the Midwife agreed - who is teaching who here? Tut tut.........
As she paces the room I see all the medical equipment that's needed - she obviously either doesn't care or thinks its necessary.
She's on gas and air now and whimpering while on all 4's. Bless her heart she has been reduced to tears, crying for ''it to be out''
I can't help but wonder how she's been induced? If she's been induced (along with all the other risks) inducement is a lot harsher on a woman's womb than natural, spontaneous labour. Therefore has she been offered an epidural? If she has - it looks like she has refused one. As she is in a lot of pain and as I say, on all 4's.
She's now on her back, typical chin on chest, pushing against the natural elements that is Gravity. Women who chose to labour like this make it harder on only themselves. Where as Family #3, she worked with Gravity, on all 4's. Anyway, a woman is in charge and it's her decision, I respect that of course I do - I'm just saying, she's making it only harder on herself. A lot of gas and air breathing later she's being advised of little pushes. 'Out he emerges, cord around the neck and that's quickly removed, as quickly as he was expelled from his Mothers body the Midwives are rubbing him dry, out of Mothers sight. The first most precious moments after birth wasted, lying flat by your Mothers bottom. It isn't long before he's screaming though and everyone are shedding tears. He was 7lb 2oz.



And now, this joy is over until next week. I hope you've read my comments with an educated brain, I hope that in some way it's spurred you on to get more involved with birthing, perhaps even research more, perhaps like me it's made you broody and desperate for another baby. My dream job would to become a doula, but due to ill health I don't see that happening any time soon unfortunately. I not only watch these programs with an educated mind but also with dreams inside my own. One day I dream of helping Family #3, just sitting quietly in a corner for her, my presence putting her at rest she isn't about to become a victim of Birth Rape; or rubbing her back, even after the birth, checking all is well, helping where necessary - my dreams exist here. I left School not knowing where I wanted my career but since having children I now know, firmly where my career is.It's not working in a retail branch, beep beep beeping on a checkout and it's not working anywhere else but in Pregnancy, Labour, Birth & everything after that, including Breast-Feeding & Baby-Wearing.

For now, over and out.

Do we really need double beds within our Maternity Wards....

Okay, so on my Facebook Page I discussed that for ''many reasons'' I thought that this was a bad idea.

The Proposition:
The NHS want to spent so many million on introducing double beds into maternity wards so that Fathers can play a more active role in parenting the newborn child and helping support the Mother.

Please be reminded these are MY views and opinions.





Pros:

1) If the Mother has a traumatic delivery, or in my case a hospital phobia then they can be around and support her & foresee her medical treatment and make sure that they are not subject to any mistreatment.

2) Some Fathers need help in offering the right level of support to their partner once she is home from the hospital. This would be especially useful for the first time parents. It's all fair and well teaching the Mama in hospital about changing nappies & Bathing the baby for instance, but what about Dad? Doesn't he need to learn this too?




Cons: 
1) I know for a fact that some Mama's prefer to be in hospital to get a ''break'' after the birth of their baby. There will be some Mama's preferring to be alone with her new baby, perhaps she has other children at home and Dad has to take care of them etc.

2) I am going to address the point for the #2 in Pros. If they spent the money on real parenting classes then there would be no need to teach them the basics of parenthood after delivery.

3) As any Mama will know she is exhausted after the birth (especially if you're chronically ill as I am) and there will be a Dad or two who will perhaps try and force the Mama into making the most of the double bed... I am sure I don't need to spell it out to you?

4) Why not use this money to keep Maternity wards open, employ much needed Midwives, Increasing beds and equipment for SCUBU's (Special Baby Care Units for Premature Babies) & Breast-feeding consultants on hand to help with Breast-feeding. I have, thankfully never had a Premature baby, but I know that usually the sicker the baby is they will be transferred to another, ''better equip'' hospital with more staff on hand. The NHS midwives are under a LOT of stress and pressure, surely it makes sense to use that money to employ more midwives - maybe this will stop women giving birth in hospital car parks, at the side of the road and even in Maternity ward waiting rooms.

5) How secure and embarrassed will you feel if you have to go to the toilet down the corridor at night and your pad is leaking down your leg as men are roaming the corridor? (This good, valid point was pointed out by a member on my page). And I feel it necessary to add, will the hospital be asking for proof of ID and checking them against some sort of sex offenders register?


I make it no secret that I will never labour or give birth in a hospital. I have never felt safe in a hospital, I had a very traumatic birth in 2004 and I will never submit myself to unnecessary interventions and interruptions. I rather be in my own home, welcoming my baby into their home, sleeping in my bed and not being hooked up to continual monitoring, with drips in my hand and all the other crazy things they make you suffer in hospital. I, of course know that some women have to give birth in hospital, especially those who really are ''high risk'' but I also realize and are well aware that many women do NOT fall into this category.

These are my thoughts & opinions on this whole ''we need double beds to help Dad's bond'' rubbish that's been in the papers and on the news this week.

Mrs Proud.

The Sponge Story...

Ok - So this is the moment you've all be waiting for. 

How did I get on with the sponge?

What sponges are they?

How was the sex with the sponge in place?

Well I will begin to talk about the sponge.

The sponges I bought were actually all around the same size - Quite small. I would say around the size of a plum middle. Let me say it now, if you are interested in buying one, they are called 'Dead Sea Sponge' and Lloyds Pharmacy sell's them for £1.85 a pop. Although I do not know what size they are and how course they are so please, make sure they are soft enough to use INSIDE your body before use.

I actually have tried using a sponge before this. I didn't bother telling you because I didn't have a sexual partner at the time - wink wink.
The previous one I had, looked exactly like this:

 

It came as a huge (and I mean huuuuge) I cut it into sizes I thought that would be acceptable and got on reasonably well with it. Although I quickly realized that having this kind of sponge lead to only one thing; breakages. With all the tiny holes in it I found it was tearing inside before I had withdrawn it. Absorbancy was really good, I didn't leak once but wore a pad just in case I had any issues - after all we all know a sponge only holds so much. I think there I have the only advantage from most of my readers - I have a mirena inside my womb, it was put in September 2011 after heavy periods and a lot of pain. Basically, I lose very little now during my periods. Before the Mirena was put in I would lose around 80-100ml, if you lose anything over 80ml you must go to the doctors, anything over  80ml is considered excessive. I only know because I heard it on embarrassing bodies once ;)

Anyway, getting back to the matter in hand (I won't say in something else!)

- Make sure your sponge is around the size of your thumb (or slightly larger depending on the flow)

- Make sure your sponge is soft enough to go inside you (Yes, they come in all sorts of textures)

- Make sure you get the correct one - ''Dead Sea Sponge''

- Make sure you are aware of how frequent you have to take out, wash and re-insert

- Make sure if you are due to go out you have back up, example, a pad or a mooncup. If you are out later than expected and can't get to wash it out, take a sandwich bag to place it in to wash later and simply put your mooncup in (or use a pad instead)

Anyway, I bought myself a few new sponges - Here are mine:

Notice the texture, quite smooth - not easily breakable like the last sponge.

Let's talk about sexual relations with the sponge now - I know, this is the bit you're all REALLY  interested in!

Last time I told you

''The great thing about a sponge is that:

1) It's soft
2) You can have sex while it's in
3) Your partner may not even feel it (depending on his length of course, and even if he is big enough to crash into your cervix, it'll still feel as spongy as it was then ... )
4) If you are out in public and can't wash your Moon Cup out, you could have a spare sponge ready in your hand bag

The only downside that I have found is:
1) You are more prone to leak over night (for this very reason I'll be using my Moon Cup over night)
2) You may have difficulty retreiving it after sex
3) The Moon Cup creates a seal around you - the sponge doesn't so, again - we may have leaking problems''Let me address each of those points again.

The great things about the sponge are:

1) ''It's soft'' - This IS true. When you get your sponge and want to use it, PLEASE DO NOT JUST INSERT IT DRY - You WILL hurt yourself and more to the point you can not squash it down enough and insertion is a lot harder, it will scratch going in, so please please please, make sure you wet it and wring it out prior to insertion, you will have some very sore sex if you do not wet it first.

2) ''You can have sex while it's in.'' Yes, you can have sex while it's in, Porn stars use sponges while they're on. However it is purely because of this reason I will not be using it again while I am on for sex. It might of been all in my head BUT I didn't get much enjoyment from the sex with it in. I guess I am just one of those girls who prefers her other half to crash into her cervix and likes to feel him deep inside. However the ''shock absorber'' in my opinion got in the way of my enjoyment and because of that reason I didn't climax as I usually do and as I say - won't be using it again. Not just that reason but also my other half got quite sore from bouncing off of it and moving it around the touchable areas of my cervix. After the first sexual encounter I went to the toilet to remove the sponge. However, retrieval is tricky - as I half expected it to be. I have a high lying cervix at the best of times but I could only just touch it with the tips of my fingers but I couldn't grasp it. I huffed and I puffed, and the darn thing wasn't coming out in a hurry.

Both my natural birthed babies have been delivered in 1 or 2 pushes so I used my strong pelvic floor muscles to try and push it further downwards, ladies - our muscles in case you didn't know seem to be in the middle .... it did absolutely nothing up nearer my cervix apart from nearly break my fingers in the middle - and I am not joking! ;-) While I was trying to retrieve it, I did however find something really really gross. It was hard and it felt like metal. I presume this was my Mirena, but I don't understand because I was told the 'strings' were made of cotton like material and were SOFT. What I felt was far from soft and fortunately for me, although my partner can crash the hell out of my cervix he wasn't aware of the strings (phew).

3) ''Your partner may not even feel it (depending on his length of course, and even if he is big enough to crash into your cervix, it'll still feel as spongy as it was then ... )''

Please see above for answer, lol.

4) ''If you are out in public and can't wash your Moon Cup out, you could have a spare sponge ready in your hand bag'' I read this and think to myself did I really put this in the positives of having a sponge? Hmm I guess I did. I guess if  you are caught short it is one of those things that 'would do in the mean time' if you see what I mean. Quick, easy to insert and if it accidentally fell out of your bag you don't have the embarrassment of a tampon wrapper, or pad wrapper so people can identify you're on your period - instead it's just a sponge. It's quite an innocent thing to be seen with ;)

 And the bad points: ~

The only downside that I have found is:
1) You are more prone to leak over night (for this very reason I'll be using my Moon Cup over night)
2) You may have difficulty retrieving it after sex
3) The Moon Cup creates a seal around you - the sponge doesn't so, again - we may have leaking problems''

 1) ''You are more prone to leak over night'' I haven't used one over night and but this still stays the same, it is a negative and in all honesty, you couldn't trust a sponge to keep you dry all night.

2) ''You make have difficulty retrieving it after sex''  Well well well, if I didn't know better before I'd say I had a premonition, lol. If you have a low lying cervix then this probably won't be an issue for you, but for us ladies who have high lying cervix's - we have great difficulty in retrieving it again after sex. Of course you could go for a bigger sponge and I have found that actually, a few hours after sex let's it fill of blood therefore the sponge expands, therefore makes it bigger = you can reach it a lot easier. I say ''easier'' if you class, squatting with one leg up on the bath ''easier'' go ahead. I did try to remove on the toilet (as you do a moon cup) and quickly realized I needed more of an angle to get my fingers fully in. It was still just as high and again (it comes second nature to me) I squeezed down on my muscles to try and 'birth my sponge' if you will. Once I caught grip I managed to pull it with no rips or tears. Do not write it off just because of this though. Some women do attach strings so they can grab it a lot easier... However - I am crap at sewing and will not even try this, it's a sponge and I can just see it tearing in half if I even try to do that.

3) ''The Moon Cup creates a seal around you - the sponge doesn't so, again - we may have leaking problems'' I can report having the sponge in 8 hours (Yes, ok - perhaps a little long but I totally forgot it was there..) and I had no leaking problems UNTIL I removed it. As it came out there was a few spots on the bathroom floor, - but please remember I am hardly loosing any loss purely because of the Mirena, you're experiencing will be completely different to mine.

The Result:

In no particular order - Ha ha. I am sorry I have just always wanted to say that, lol!

Ok, serious face's on please.
You've read my experiences and the result I have chosen is; It's failed. Purely because of the sex with it in. If I get horny mid-cycle again I will insert one in, just so it's not messy because even with one in,  you can still have quite good sexual activities. I shall spare you the details but we did manage to carry on with having fun, regardless of the first time with it, he'll just have to stick only half of it in ;)
I think personally for us it didn't suit us. It made my partner sore and took away the best bits for sex for me. It was personally dreadful. Porn stars are good at faking their orgasms and yes, I could of faked one if I wanted but there was no point and in all fairness I don't want to be anything but truthful with my partner. In the past I hold my hands up and admit I have had to fake orgasms in the past BUT with my current other half this is something I no longer have to fake.. He hit's the damn spot - quite literally, LOL! Sorry, Had to crack that one in there.. it was kinda relevant yes?
Shock absorbers are a big no-no for us - But please, don't let my experience put you off trying. They are a cheap alternative to tampax and pads none the less - and more environmentally friendly too.
For me personally though I am sticking with my ''Lady Cup'' - Don't even ask what happened to my Moon Cup... It's a very long story..

Anyway - I am glad you are following my blogs, I hope that if you try using a shock absorber, sorry, sponge you have better luck than us.